22

00:45:00

On the New Year’s Eve, her flatmate left her some chocolate bars in the bag in the corridor. That was nice of him. She knew he spent Christmas all alone in the flat. That must have been sad. A lonely human abandoned by everybody. That shouldn’t happen to anybody. People shouldn’t be lonely, especially during these days. And he signed the paper in a rather friendly way.

‘For the belly’

As if belly was a teddy bear or some sort of toy.

‘Thanks,’ she sat on the floor eating his chocolate bars, leaning at the door of his room from the corridor side.

‘How’s Christmas?’

‘Usual. I bought myself presents.’

She felt a pang of guilt, as he even had to be his own Santa Claus.

‘Nice. I got presents from parents.’

‘Do they know about the baby?’

‘No.’

‘Will they know?’

‘I won’t tell them,’ she laughed.

‘Oh…’, he was silent for a while ‘I mean, they should be happy. It’s a baby. Like… you know. A grandchild. They will sooner or later accept the situation. It’s not a disaster. You can have a relationship with another guy. My mother is twice divorced. Things happen. It’s not always black and white.’

‘Yes. I’m not sure you’d understand. They would be pleased. Possibly. And you? Would you like to have a baby?’

‘Sure. I like children. I’m not sure if in these circumstances I would make one, but bringing up must be fun. Educational. You kind of go with the flow.’

‘But you don’t go with the flow. You stay here. All the time.’

‘That’s another matter.’

Was it another matter for him to make a choice of not living his life as others? Wasn’t it the same matter of her making a choice not to live her parents’ life? Wouldn’t he be subjected to the outbursts of criticism if he openly stated that, having every other option possible, he just decided to stay in his room forever? Wouldn’t he be criticized by soldiers dying at war, politicians and freedom fighters, environmentalists chaining themselves to trees and missionaries in African deserts? Wouldn’t she be criticized for, from every option available for a woman, opting out of being a mother? In her mind, she saw millions: women, single mothers abandoned by the fathers, adoptive parents who struggled with infertility, business women leaving their careers for their progeny, even her own mother. She saw them with axes, knives, and swords against her simple lack of desire to become what nature wanted her to become. All in all, she was basically screwed. She could only express one thing, which she did unscrupulously.

‘Thank you for the chocolate.’

She went to sleep at 8 p.m. She didn’t care about the upcoming year. That was to be a different year for her. Not necessarily better. As such, she didn’t want to meet it with enthusiasm. And for the first time in a long time, she learned what it was like to welcome it on her own, just like he welcomed every single day in his desolate bunker of a room.