5

04:31:00

December was a short and boring month. Around the 20^th she went to her parents for Christmas. She left a mess in her room and a mess in the kitchen. He wondered whether her parents knew anything about the pregnancy but he wasn’t going to do anything about this uncertainty. He struggled with asking her about anything, not to mention having to deal with her parents.

Mother sent money and a package from Norway. She said that she was seeing someone and there was no point in coming back for Christmas. Father jumped in for the afternoon and said that they were going to spend Christmas with the parents of his wife (the second wife) and they would be away until January.

The only thing left was to spend Christmas on his own. So he downloaded Home Alone and Home Alone 2. He ordered a lot of chocolate bars, home-cooked cakes, a couple of bottles of liquor, ranging from cherry flavor to coconut, and two boxes of ice-cream. He still was into those pre-packed meals and he decided that for Christmas dinner he would do the same. He bought a pair of socks with two reindeer imprinted on them and an album of the newest versions of carols. He was festive. He didn’t feel lonely. He was the last person on earth to feel lonely spending Christmas alone. Quite the reverse. When he was little and he was made to take part in family celebrations, he couldn’t wait to go back home and again spend time alone in his room. Maybe that’s why the transition was painless. He just sunk in his old ways, without any obstacles and disturbances. His friends didn’t turn out to be his real friends, as they soon forgot about him. His parents were strangely indifferent about the whole event. And the rest of the world just let him go. So he was allowed to live his life the way he wanted to. Was it hard? Was it scary? To be honest, it was easier than taking part in the real world. It was purifying to be constantly entertained by the web of people and not having to speak to anybody anywhere anyhow. When he survived the first year, he was sure he could go on like this for quite a while.

It wasn’t his idea, though. As an 18-year-old he watched a documentary about Japanese only children – guys who, due to a lot of pressure from parents and school, pressure enhanced by the traditional pattern of ambitious and competitive society, refused to leave the room. For years they shut themselves off from everyone, leaving parents unwilling to talk about the problem. Statistically around 700 000 individuals. His mother considered it ridiculous. He actually did like the idea. He didn’t like the pathology behind it. The dirt, not washing, being buried in the rubbish which he wouldn’t throw away, building the tomb around a living body. He would rather live in basic cleanliness. At the end of the day, he was a little bit pedantic. And he wouldn’t like to live with his mother.

But when he was trembling after the last attack, the only idea that came to his mind was this idea. Hikikomori. Escapism. Isolating himself from everything that was making him terrified. People. Crowded places. Loud, colorful supermarkets. Eye-to-eye meetings with others. He locked himself in the bubble of safety. He felt secure. Like a Moomin wrapped up in the blanket during a winter sleep. Like Pocahontas in her canoe swimming to the Grandmother tree. Like a Gummi Bear after drinking his Gummi juice.

Funny enough she came back straight after Christmas. He sensed that she didn’t want to stay there longer. She spent her days looking for winter sales in the shops. She came back with bags of clothes. Then she slept for 12 hours a day. And took a nap in the afternoon.

On the New Year’s Eve, he left her some chocolate bars in the bag in the corridor. The leftovers from his Christmas binge.

‘For the belly’ he signed the paper.

‘Thanks,’ she replied and sat on the floor eating the chocolate bars, leaning at the door of his room from the corridor side.

‘How’s Christmas?’ she asked.

‘Usual. I bought myself presents.’

‘Nice. I got presents from parents.’

‘Do they know about the baby?’

‘No.’

‘Will they know?’

‘I won’t tell them,’ she laughed.

‘Oh…’ he didn’t know what to say ‘I mean, they should be happy. It’s the baby. Like… you know. A grandchild. They will sooner or later accept the situation. It’s not a disaster. You can have a relationship with another guy. My mother is twice divorced. Things happen. It’s not always black and white.’

‘Yes. I’m not sure you’d understand. They would be pleased. Possibly. And you? Would you like to have a baby?’

‘Sure. I like children. I’m not sure if in these circumstances I would make one, but bringing up must be fun. Educational. You kind of go with the flow.’

‘But you don’t go with the flow. You stay here. All the time.’

‘That’s another matter.’

She was silent for a while.

‘Thank you for the chocolate.’

She went to sleep at 8 p.m. She missed the fireworks as if she didn’t give a damn that there was some national event going on and there were crowds of people cheering at the arrival of the New Year.